a2z Bipolar - A Personal Journey
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It is much easier to manage the disease once you accept that you have it. This is particularly pertinent for family members who have to live through the turmoil. Certainly my family, especially my Mum, was very, very relieved when the psychiatrist explained to her what was happening,
Try and divert your mind in any way possible, and usually for me that means being active. I take ‘’The Golden One’’ for a walk (my friend’s heavenly golden labrador, actually called Vanille – she’s French, you know!) or go on my treadmill. If the anxiety is too intense then I will lie down and…
My first dalliance with alcohol was, of course, at school around 14 years of age. Not really a big deal but my tipple of choice in those days (early 80s) was ‘’spritzer’ aka white wine and soda water. Later I would strangle anyone for diluting my wine! Also as the years went by, the wine…
Obviously I cannot write my thoughts about anti-depressants without talking about Clinical Depression. This is a different form of depression from bi-polar depression; therefore the correct diagnosis is vital. It is rare for a patient to go to their doctor when they are high or in mania.
This is a common bi-polar symptom and continues to impact my life. Why, why, why? I find it extremely vexing to accept anxiety in any shape or form. In fact I am staggered at how easy my life is compared to others, and am enraged and BORED by the time and energy that goes into…
Thankfully these days, people are pretty well informed about mental illness, indeed it is sometimes even ‘’glamourised’’ by the media in the mistaken belief that we are all blessed with huge creative talent. There’s nothing funny about being in mania and it is often mistakenly portrayed.
A problem throughout my life has been bingeing – either with food or alcohol. I was a binge drinker. I didn’t drink everyday but when I drank, I drank to excess and after the first glass of wine touched my system, I knew I would want more. Only iron willpower made me drink moderately and…
Please note that this is just an artist’s version of a bi-polar brain that I researched on the Internet. Although the differences in colour and activity are apparent, it is not considered sufficient by the experts to be a diagnostic tool. I have had numerous brain imaging scans and MRI (Magnetic Resonance Imaging) scans in…
This is a type of mental illness, wherein the affected person is concerned with body image manifested as excessive concern about and preoccupation with their body. The person thinks they have a defect in either one feature or several features of their body,
I can only describe ”brain fog” in a somewhat pedestrian fashion, however those of you who have it will know automatically what I am talking about. It is like cotton wool in your brain on a good day. On a bad day it’s like having electric shocks in your head. The nerve endings go ballistic…
In 2010 I made one of the best decisions of my life and had a breast reduction. There had been many unhappy incidents leading up to this decision, one that I particularly remember, when I was the only belle at the prestigious Cambridge University May Ball who was not wearing a ball gown.
Now I never thought in a million years that I would be writing about caffeine. What a dull topic, but it is very relevant as it has become clear that I am also addicted to it in the form of tea and diet coke or anything artificially sweetened. Bloody hell, talk about addictive personality! Living…
I am actually appalled at how I managed my pregnancy or rather did not manage it. In fact I am appalled at how I have managed my life until very recently. Like most young educated women I worked to try and get a so-called career and fit a pregnancy around this. In my early thirties…
Parts of my childhood and upbringing are referenced throughout the book as obviously all our neuroses and characteristics, good and bad, are formed in our early years. A genetic disposition and a neglectful father clearly have played their part but I also want to make it clear that, once my father was out of the…
I think many of us suffering with a mental disturbance are so utterly consumed by what is happening in the brain that we pay no attention whatsoever to our physical wellbeing. A certain amount of naivety and arrogance is to blame for ignoring physical complaints and there is that feeling that they will go away…
A huge problem for me has been wondering if my alcohol abuse caused the bi-polar or did having bi-polar mean that I abused alcohol. I think this will always be a case of chicken and egg. There are many articles on this and it would seem that whilst alcoholism/ alcohol abuse and bi-polar commonly occur, substance…
Cognitive behavioural therapy is a common type of mental health counselling (psychotherapy). With cognitive behavioural therapy, you work with a mental health expert to learn how to become aware of inaccurate or negative thinking, so you can view challenging situations more clearly and respond to them in a more positive way. It can be a…
The book market is awash with publications linking hypomania to creativity and listing the significant historical and modern day individuals who share success with bi-polar. I also wanted to talk about the public’s perception that bi-polar is great because it makes you creative and that to take medication dulls that creativity. Apparently after Stephen Fry’s…
Of course I do not really need to explain the stress of dropping a 4-month-old baby off at crèche before racing into the morning traffic. A vivid memory is of scraping the ice from the car in pitch black at 06h30 while that precious bundle slept in her Maxi Cosy, to be given to a…
(See A for anti-depressants) I found the book ‘’Depressive Illness: The Curse of the Strong’’ by Dr.Tim Cantopher very enlightening. As well as removing the stigma from depression it explains in a simple way what is actually happening and how to fix it. A friend of mine who has suffered from depression says it is…
Keeping a chart of daily mood symptoms, treatments, sleep patterns, and life events can help the doctor track and treat the illness most effectively. Sometimes this is called a daily life chart. Sarah Freeman refers to a useful mood chart on her website, however this is just too ‘’busy’’ for me and I got stressed…
You will know by now that I am very diet conscious after a lifetime struggle with weight. After successfully losing weight at 40 years old after yo-yoing for twenty-five years, I am a little obsessed and scared about weight gain. The pills in the clinic made me eat like a starved wolf. I was literally…
I lost my licence through drink driving when I was in my second year at University. I was driving to watch friends play hockey and (very unlike me) had only a couple of drinks in the bar afterwards. Unfortunately my friend’s backside sticking out of the window attracted some police attention as did me driving…
An episode – or let’s say relapse – is when the symptoms of mania and/or depression (in my case they can be concurrent as I suffer from rapid cycling or mixed states) worsen or are exaggerated to a worrying level. For me this means I can be extremely irritable, hypersensitive to thoughts, perceived criticism, sunlight,…
I do not need to explain to anyone the importance of daily exercise. We all know how good it is for us and it is particularly essential for bi-polics. The endorphin release together with a feeling of satisfaction from doing the exercise goes a very long way to maintaining brain stability. It requires scheduling, planning,…
It’s difficult to know where to start and the full story of my (limited) relationship with my father is explained in detail in the book. One reason for writing this section is to highlight the genetic link and how I have undoubtedly inherited bi-polar from my father. I think I last saw my father around…
The information below has been gathered from the National Health Department in the US. Scientists are learning about the possible causes of bipolar disorder all the time and progressing fantastically well. Most scientists agree that there is no single cause and the likelihood is that many factors act together to produce the illness or increase…
I must talk about my unease with Gingerdom. Being a ‘’ginger’’ has been pretty horrendous up until recently and by that I mean at age 40 plus!! And it is still only OK now because I am actually a strawberry blond and much happier for it. As a young woman/man having ginger hair means you…
Once school and university finished then I became aimless. I had no clear career goals as I was following a legal path that I was totally ill equipped for and therefore never managed to enter that world. Was this because I did not try hard enough or simply self-sabotage because I did not want it?…
I am quite emotional when I talk about my headache experience as frankly it was/has been almost as bad as the bi-polar. To spend such a prolonged period of time in that level of pain can only cause depression. Every time I saw a doctor I mentioned my headaches or brain fog (I did not…
Hormones have wreaked havoc with me since the age of 15. Although my periods have always been regular, they have been prefaced with terrible PMS in the form of irritability, irrationality and extreme emotion. This coupled with extremely painful breasts (which are still painful even after the reduction) each cycle is very debilitating. When I…
My sister-in-law and I have a bit of a joke about hospitals in that we both like hospital food; particularly the mashed potato and somewhat processed vanilla desserts. So each time I was admitted, she would say ‘’ah, it’s because you want some more of their food’’. Actually a hospital diet consisting mainly of white…
The first time I heard the term ‘’hypo’’ I was ironically and luckily sitting in my psychiatrist’s office when I started to go pale and feel dizzy and uncoordinated. She asked if I had eaten and when I said no, she said it was low blood sugar, ‘’hypo’’ as she said and immediately gave me…
This is generally classed as a milder form of mania. Most definitions describe hypomania as including increased energy and activity levels that are not as severe as typical mania. The person may have episodes which last less than a week and do not require emergency care and during a hypomanic episode may feel very good,…
Another lovely character trait… I think this is largely due to the fact that my brain is moving so fast when I am high that any delay causes a problem and I start to get stressed. When I am calmer my impatience is subdued and more appropriate. That said, when I was at the supermarket…
I would also include Impulsivity to a degree. However, apart from sporadic, slightly mania-induced clothes buying sprees, it is pretty much under control. And what woman doesn’t like the occasional splurge on clothes? Signing a contract for a new house when we had not sold our own and losing 40K could, however, does come under…
This is a big issue for me and usually follows a high period where there has been a few days of activity. Hypomania tends to last 3-4 days with me and then my energy levels drop. I can literally spend an entire morning wondering what to do. This is because I have gone back to…
I have suffered from insomnia for years, which was also another reason for drinking. While the sleep was not good quality and disturbed, at least to some extent it was sleep! I cannot even tell you the amount of nights that have been spent with eyes wide open, tossing and turning in anxiety only to…
Since bi-polics tend to be obsessional the Internet can be a breeding ground for obsessional research into this illness and a multitude of other things. Indeed I have referred to many websites in the book, which is because I used to constantly go on line to see if I was dying. If something doesn’t feel…
As a precursor to my experiences with the manic side of bi-polar which covers irritability, I have quoted Sarah Eberhardt in her article ‘’The Bi-polar brain and the creative mind’’. ‘Manic Depression or bi-polar is a complex and often cruel illness that takes sufferers on a rollercoaster ride of emotional highs and deep depressions. During…
If you can work and enjoy your job then this will help you enormously. It is very important to be stimulated and even a little part time job can work miracles in reversing negative patterns of thinking. Self worth, socialising are all vital and sadly I spent far too many years cocooned and my condition…
Honestly, I have put a few words on Karma because I did not know which other subject to put under K. Although my mother-in-law’s name begins with K, but she has already had a sufficient bashing. And while we are on the subject of Karma, I must admit that she is a super Granny. The…
I can hardly express in words how valuable the kindness and support of my family and friends has been to me throughout my illness. I am not sure I could have survived the past few years without their loyalty and compassion, often when they were unable to comprehend what I have been going through with…
I have a huge sensitivity to light, particularly sunlight. I realise that I am not alone in this and that a lot of people squint in the sun, but for me and other bipolics it can be very troubling. Not only is it physically uncomfortable but it also affects my mood. I am constantly putting…
Lithium is not mentioned throughout and that is because I have never taken it. I know it is a common drug in the treatment of bipolar with a certain (unwarranted from what I have researched) stigma, but it was never prescribed to me, so I am not in a position to talk about it in…
The symptoms of mania can include a long period of feeling “high,” or an overly happy or outgoing mood OR feeling extremely irritable, agitated, “jumpy” or “wired.” This might manifest itself as talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another, having racing thoughts, being easily distracted, taking on new projects, being restless, sleeping less,…
I think I am one of the relatively few people who doesn’t mind having to take medication for their bipolar. Of course I would rather not have a nightly Nutella binge due to the side effects but – for the most part, now that the nightmare of finding the right tablet/dosage seems to have been…
I have lost it ! I will walk into the kitchen and simply not know why I am in there. My brain feels like goo a lot of the time. Not only is my short term memory poor but my long term memory also seems to be flawed. I find it troubling and try not…
Writing the book has brought back a lot of unpleasant and troubling memories, one of the most significant being my miscarriage. Before I start, I acknowledge that miscarriages are common and that it is not some tragedy specific to me, so it may come across as being very self-indulgent. I have discussed miscarriage with my…
Where there are money issues there is always potential for conflict. This has fuelled the agitation in me more than any other area. I simply cannot stand not having enough money and often breath a sigh of relief when my card is not rejected in the supermarket. Since I became ill, my ex and I…
Music affects me greatly. I am not alone in this but some people with bipolar have to be careful, as music is another stimulant. Quite often I feel the need for excessively loud music especially when I am on the treadmill and especially in the car. When I see people perform (especially my daughter) to…
I would like to apologise to my neighbours who I offended during my drinking days. What started off as a quick visit to borrow a cigarette became much more disruptive. I would often go to my neighbours’ houses late at night and wake them up in a bid for more alcohol and manic interaction. I…
I think by now most of us will have heard that the brain is one of the least understood organs in the body. Neurotransmitters are hormone-like chemicals which send signals to all parts of the nervous system. I lived with a buzzing head for years. It feels as if there are electric shocks going off…
Sometimes my head is so busy that any noise at all causes great discomfort. In mania, I particularly like loud music. In a low mood I cannot even tolerate the sound of the television or indeed any music. I want total silence, which is not realistic. A slamming door or someone creeping up (intentionally or…
For me, this (alongside the battle to find the right medication dosage) is the worst part of bipolar. The absolute inability (still) to calm my thoughts down. I can go whole days where I obsess over one thing or comment. Analysing an action or a statement again and again which is exhausting. Thankfully this is…
In order to feel slightly peaceful, I have to have order in my life. When things start moving out of my control then I become overwhelmed and start to panic. At its worse this can cause a relapse. The simplest example, which I explain in greater detail under Triggers, is the state of the home.…
There is a lot of pacing from room to room. Luckily we have floor tiles, otherwise the carpets would be threadbare! There is not a day goes by when I do not pace. My head is usually very busy with plans and when I have not made a list or schedule then the pacing can…
What is a panic attack exactly? People often blithely say ‘’Oh my God I had such a terrible panic attack’’ when referring to something not nearly so dramatic. It is so overwhelming physically and frightening that it is hard to describe unless you have experienced it. I thought I was going to die when it…
I mention this word in the context of post alcohol binges. Within the family (you know who you are!) we often would refer to having ‘’paranoia’’ following a heavy session. For us this meant the jitters and anxiety but not full-blown psychosis and hallucinations. I am not being trivial but the word and feeling did…
In good ‘rubber necking’ style, let’s look at the people who have bipolar disorder to make ourselves feel better and convince ourselves that we are hugely talented, likeable and not just wasted substance abusers! You will find an A-Z list of people with bipolar under Wikipedia. Here are some examples. A Sophie Anderton – British…
My daughter was born 9 years ago in a fabulous hospital, a place that I have visited more than I would have liked over the years. I went through a long and painful labour, which resulted ultimately in an emergency Caesarean section being performed. Following this I was diagnosed with postnatal depression. Actually I was…
I am told that it is rare at a mental facility – such as the one I stayed in – to combine neurology and psychiatry under the same roof. I attended the clinic before being admitted numerous times for brain scans. The neurologist and my psychiatrist wanted to rule out any obvious physical trauma before…
This chapter was kindly written by my Aunt who has tirelessly helped me throughout this book with her fantastic editing. I have only just adopted this age old concept and I can thoroughly recommend the following procedures to help avoid confusion and anxiety, alleviate guilt, save money, time and petrol, control weight and generally minimise…
I have touched on this under Mixed State, although it has slightly different components. One definition of rapid cycling is four or more depressed or manic episodes per year. I think to a lesser degree I can rapid cycle on a weekly basis (sometimes even daily). According to www.aboutbi-polar.com the term ‘’ultra-rapid cycling’’ may be…
Unfortunately relapses can occur and, statistically, are pretty high. The key (and believe me it has taken years of trial and error to get to this point) is to allow it. Don’t resist it. The more you resist and fight it, the worse it becomes, so it can spiral out of control. Whether it is…
I am referring to the relief at having finally had a diagnosis after so many years of inappropriate, inconsiderate, wild, reckless and overall manic behaviour. This is particularly important for family members who simply do not know what the hell is going on and cannot possibly understand it. Depression is well known and understood. BiPolar…
Maybe alternative words could be jealousy or envy. However, I have to admit that on hearing good news, sometimes there is an unpleasant sensation that I can only attribute to a feeling of resentment. Certainly when things are not going well for me, then other people’s good news can stick in the craw. It is…
I now understand that the best way for me to stay healthy is to stick to a rather rigid routine. Wake up and get up at the same time each day and go to sleep at the same time each night. Eat regular meals at the same time each day. For example I can relapse…
Every case is, of course, different and I absolutely believe that the reason I have bipolar and my brother doesn’t, is simply due to genetics and character. I was, and am ridiculously sensitive to everything and he is more laid back… we had exactly the same childhood, so why me? …
This is a strange one because I know that a lot of people don’t feel like going to parties or events and can feel a certain amount of trepidation preceding an event. One friend changes outfits a dozen times and has to be dragged out of the door but actually loves socialising. When I am…
There is plenty of literature to support the perils of sugar especially for people with mental health issues. I recommend reading the following article which is brilliant in my opinion. ‘’Conquering Anxiety, Depression and Fatigue Without Drugs – the Role of Hypoglycemia ‘’ http://www.alternativementalhealth.com/articles/hypoglycemia.htm I am definitely addicted to sugar…
Under this section I do not want to give a detailed description of all bipolar medications as firstly I am not qualified and secondly it is incredibly tedious. That said, since I have experienced most of them, you will be hearing about it ! You will have tried an array of tablets and be familiar…
What is ”trauma” ? A brilliant book called ‘’Waking the Tiger’’ by Peter A. Levine who is a specialist in trauma therapy and healing is a self-help book which presents therapeutic advice for healing past traumas. I found the book wonderfully enlightening, if a little complex in parts. It illustrates how one should deal with…
Most bi-polar books will talk about stressors or triggers that either first awakened the bi-polar and/or continue to cause episodes during treatment. Since sufferers have zero tolerance for most things, seemingly unimportant and inconsequential day to day things can cause outbursts of seismic proportions!
There is a plethora of information on Bipolar on line. Every query you could possibly imagine has been typed into Goggle’s search engine! Please do not make any clinical decisions without approval from your own doctor. Whilst the web is wonderful for finding out and sharing information, it is also quite overwhelming which in itself…
I was in a vicious cycle with bipolar and alcohol abuse. Bipolar is not a laugh, in fact it does not feel good at all, which is why alcohol is such a relief. I felt so terrible that I drank to feel better which in turn made me hypomanic and unable to stop the party…
One of my doctors simply tells me that all the vitamins I need are included in today’s healthy diet. There are so many vitamins and minerals added to food that there is a belief amongst some of the medical fraternity that we do not need extra vitamins and minerals. How can we measure their effectiveness?…
Once you start to feel the benefits after 2-3 days you will want to incorporate walking into your daily life. Even if it is the last thing you feel like doing, undeniably mood is improved afterwards. Fresh air is essential and a good walk especially with a dog if you have one is bliss. Walking…
Again we don’t need to be zealots but if you can start the day with a ginger/lemon mug of hot water and even some honey (if under the weather) then it boosts energy and de-toxes incredibly well. I try to drink a glass every 3 -4 hours and have stopped buying bottled water (for the…
After a life long struggle with weight I hit my nadir at a big fat 80 kilos after my stay in psychiatric paradisio. Even now to my amazement I dedicatedly followed a strict regime (very enjoyable once you regain control over eating) and reached 65 kilos 6 months later, with no alcohol, of course, and…
Aaaah the seductive lure of Xanax. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alprazolam ‘’Alprazolam probably better known by its trade name, Xanax, is a short-acting drug. The drug is used to treat people with anxiety disorders and panic attacks. Alprazolam is the most prescribed and the most misused benzodiazepine on the U.S. retail market.” When drinking heavily I used it as…
This speaks for itself! I often find myself doing things for others that are far less important than the things I should be doing for my own family, friends and myself. I say ‘’yes’’ immediately to every request without due thought and then simmer with resentment afterwards. I say ‘’yes’’ to social occasions and then…
I would imagine that there are many people on the fringes of bipolar who manage their condition through holistic means. If anyone with full blown bipolar manages it solely through practices like yoga and meditation, then well done, as that must require enormous practice and dedication. My treatment is still very much medicine based through…
An abbreviated New Oxford English Dictionary definition of this wonderful word reads ‘ the time at which something is most powerful or successful’. And, obligingly, it begins with a ‘Z’, which enables me to conclude this book on a positive and optimistic note! If you have been patient enough to stay with me through my…
