My daughter was born 9 years ago in a fabulous hospital, a place that I have visited more than I would have liked over the years. I went through a long and painful labour, which resulted ultimately in an emergency Caesarean section being performed. Following this I was diagnosed with postnatal depression. Actually I was just hormonal and frazzled. However, I listened to the doctor like a good girl and started taking anti-depressants. The problems that had been simmering for 5 or more years began to reach boiling point. It was at this time with only 3 months maternity leave that I stupidly decided to go back to work full time…
Never has anyone been so completely and utterly disrespectful of one’s own body and mind. I remember after months of shame and panic admitting to my therapist that when I was alone with my baby, I sometimes had terrible thoughts that I might hurt her or that she might die. I was hysterical after this had happened (not often thankfully) and could not forgive myself for having these thoughts. However, she breezily reassured me that this was quite common for new mothers and is to do with the weight of responsibility in looking after the child. I knew that I would never do anything to harm my baby but I did not know that my mind was so distorted to even allow these thoughts to enter it. It was a horrifying time.